Road Side Buffet or Why I Eat Garbage Off the Street

My Mom takes issue with me eating stuff off the street. She calls it disgusting and in bad taste, says I will contract a disease and that she refuses to have a dog that eats garbage. But as you see, the answer to her question lies in her refrain. The point being that I'm a dog!

Now I have been taking a lot of flack about my signature phrase, "I'm a dog" lately from pundits across the country. They claim that I wear that phrase as a scapegoat for all my bad behavior. It is also said that I hide behind the phrase as a way to shirk my responsibilities to family, friends and the US of A. Well ya it's kind of true but despite that I am living up to my responsibilities.

I do eat garbage off the street but I do it for altruistic reasons (great scrabble word for my fans). I do it for the children and the parents and those who are not mature enough to have children (Mom) and for the seniors. I eat it because if I don't who will? Now I will explain my reasons broken out amongst the people listed above.

1. The Children - I believe the children are our future (props to Whitney) eat garbage off the street and watch them grow. Seriously though, today's younger generation shouldn't be looking at their feet but rather reaching for the stars (of course while wearing protective lenses as UV rays are scary). They are too young to worry about getting their juvenile Uggs dirty. Childhood is a time for kids to run and skip not scrape debris off their keds with a sharp stick (which I will also eat so that they don't poke their eyes out).

2. The Parents - Well they are kind of foolish to be buying overpriced boot, shoes, crocs and Uggs for these kids who will outgrow them before my blog has 50 hits. Not to mention that foolish spending spending sprees are part and parcel to blame for your mortgage foreclosure from Citimortgage (tm). So simply, I eat garbage off the streets for parents because at the end of the day those shoes, crocs and Uggs (hopefully unsoiled) will be the legacy you leave your children. No that's not true, you will still have a world of debt and a ginormous deficit for future generations. Don't bite the messenger, heed the message.

3. My Mom - She's in between "projects". Does anyone really know what she does for a living and if they do can they please explain it to me. As best as I can see all she does is get in between me and the SSnT (Street Surf n Turf) that I love. I also eat it for her fiscal future. Dog food isn't cheap and I am trying to help out. If I eat some discarded french fries or a used napkin then I can forgo a treat here and there. That may not seem like a lot to you but it adds up. If I eat one less biscuit every day for a year that amounts to 756 yrs in a high-yield growth mutual fund (assuming current rates of return and any changes in the capital gains tax which you know Pelosi will take from us next). She will need these savings to pay for her Boniva fix years later.

4. The Seniors - Have you suffered through the pain of a broken hip? Neither have I nor would I wish it upon any of my elderly friends. I eat chicken wings off the curb to prevent just such an injury. I try to eat vomit when I come upon it. Why you reply? The herky-jerky movement require to flinch when you stumble upon puke is enough to break the bone of a healthy adult let alone someone with osteoporosis (Love you Aunt No-Nose).

Don't thank me, just step aside and feel free to leave your debris! I've got your back and the stomach to digest your compostable materials.

MurfE Finbar Dolan

Disclaimer: My Mom's mortgage is held at Citimortgage and she owns 2 2/3 pairs of Uggs after some snacking I did the last few weeks. My DLog was in no way influenced by these relationships nor did I receive any financial compensation for mentioning these brands.